Preface

 

The Sacred Vagina is about

life after death”–

a journey into the life of my soul,

after the death of my marriage.

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In the nine chapters of this book, the metaphor of an umbilical cord is used

to illustrate my attachments to five women, during my adult years.

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In The Sacred Vagina, memoir, myth and meaning are deeply intertwined.

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This is the story of my soul.

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Chapter 1

 

My Marriage: A Crucible for Self-Discovery

 

Like most couples,

we soon fell into a vicious cycle

of trying to change our partner….

 

I discovered my wife was also starting

to address her dissatisfaction with our marriage.

 

The extreme depth of my suffering was

a precise barometer of my unresolved dependency issue….

 

My impulse to jump was a literal approach to bringing an end to my suffering….

Five years would pass before I would discover how to kill myself symbolically….

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During my therapy sessions, Dick would ask, “What’s your part of the problem?”

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Changing myself became my focus—working on me, instead of my wife.

 

With the separation, I moved into uncharted waters.

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My marriage was the vessel, wherein I began to explore my troubled soul.

And it was the crucible in which I began to forge my identity.

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Chapter 2

 

A Four-Year Celibacy:

the Suffering I Experienced

 

My virtuous "Christianized ego" was being

asked to integrate a murderous rage

into who I was becoming.

 

I had to destroy my unhealthy dependence on my wife

—or on any woman.

 

My rage drove a nail into my innocence.

 

To become whole, I had to accept this

rageful part of my shadow

as an aspect of myself.

 

Maybe a reason for the sacrifice of my

marriage. Perhaps a purpose for the pain….

 

Looking back…, my four-year celibacy

was the most consequential decision

I made for the second half of my life.

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Chapter 3

 

A New Relationship:

the Love I Received,

the Suffering I Caused

 

The warm sunshine of Cara’s love broke

through the dark clouds

from the death of my marriage.

 

Our skin to skin contact comforted and nourished me.

 

I had never envisioned a woman’s vagina incarnating the love of God.

 

Our previously joyful intimacy was now severely infected with sorrow.

 

Cara had a dream of blood flowing from her breasts.

 

 

 

Chapter 4

 

A Kiss and the Question:

“Are You the One?”

 

I had never tasted such full,

such moist and tender lips.

 

Her kisses were intoxicating!

 

Unexpectedly and without inhibition,

I asked her, “Are you the one?”

 

Yet I sensed the presence of another soul lurking between us….

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Two souls, one life—a dream!

 

Like a nightingale, she sang deep within the recesses of my darkened heart.

 

Only from my broken-hearted condition, could I then be reborn.

 

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Chapter 5

 

The Sacred Vagina:

A Portal into my Soul

 

I was crying and moving into my heart

– the very organ which I was being prompted to sculpt.

 

Yet in due time, my decaying ego would

become fertile humus

for the flowering of my soul.

 

As I carefully handled and shaped the

clay that day, my hands were seeking to

rehabilitate my damaged heart.

 

I needed to dig up my pain,

unearth the hurt and uncover

the root of my suffering.

 

This "open sore"—this bleeding wound—was becoming a vagina!

 

A bleeding, life-threatening wound

had been regenerated into a healthy

vagina, an organ with

a life-affirming purpose.

 

Would this vagina become the birth canal,

through which I might be “born again?”

 

Just as I had penetrated Cara, I also needed to penetrate

my soul—to enter into myself.

 

Indeed, in the suffering, the possibility of healing and rebirth!

 

With much gratitude, I began my journey into the infinite womb of God.

 

 

Interlude: Musings and Elaborations

 

Without the sacrifice of the ego, there can be no rebirth of consciousness.

 

Indeed, human hearts are the “cornucopia of God’s compassion.”

 

Could it be that our greatest loves occur only with vulnerability….

 

In my hour of need, I wanted to be stripped of my defenses and pretenses—

left in the most vulnerable of conditions.

 

Yes, the heart is the place of emotional

suffering—and the space

wherein a spiritual rebirth can take place.

 

Heaven was within me….

 

 

Chapter 6

 

A Dream and the Answer:

“I Will Lead You Home”

 

This dream woman … delivered a profound message

in five simple words

—"I will lead you home.”

 

I longed to return to my soul

—my interior home.

 

Reclaiming my soul-projection prepared

me to love a female partner for who she

actually was—rather than a figment of

my romantic imagination about her.

 

Loving a woman for a lifetime is infinitely

more miraculous than loving

an imaginary goddess—

yet for a brief time,

the latter is more magical.

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Instead of romancing a projection,

I loved Pat for who she was.

 

 

Interlude: God, My Soul and the Unconscious

 

In my journaling, I unthinkingly began to

use the words "God" and "soul"

interchangeably.

 

Since I took the time to feel and sit with

my sadness, positive feelings could

emerge—like sunshine after rain.

 

Perhaps for most men … ignoring the soul requires almost no effort.

 

How much longer will I drive myself into outer activities,

before I attend to my soul?

 

I asked my soul, “Have I neglected you so

completely, you must now rage endlessly?”

 

I prefer the companionship of a well-

tended soul, rather than the “hell”

of my inner woman scorned.

 

So also, the soul will wither if one does not pay attention to her.

 

Watching the ebb and flow of my soul,

I have found many unforeseen,

life-giving images and ideas floating to

the surface—or washing upon ego’s shore.

 

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Chapter 7

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Intuiting the Divine:

God’s Imagination and Creativity

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In Part Three, my focus is solely on interiority—on the life of my soul.

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Numerous imaginal and ideational butterflies swarmed into my consciousness.

 

I view my psyche as

an interior flower garden

with an infinite reserve of butterflies.

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I could feel and intuit movements within my soul—the activities of a deity.

Through intuition, I had a way of being with the God within.

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Yes, I worship feeling and intuition,

for these are the pathways… into the interior mysteries of God.

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Orgasms of the imagination

on the altar of life.

 

God explodes with inexhaustible images, bringing life into me.

 

Imagination was happening to me….

 

To my analyst one day, I exclaimed, "My inner world is like a playground!”

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I said to my soul, “I seek to serve the great mystery within me.

 

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Chapter 8

 

Encountering My Soul:

Her Wisdom and Truth

 

 

Instead of worshiping in

a church or meditating,I wanted to

reverence the divine within me.

 

My religion is that of quietly looking into the inner darkness

—and listening to the silence within me.

 

All alone inside my body. Yet this is the sanctuary where God lives.

 

How could the answers to all my complex problems arrive out of my own soul?

 

I am devoted to what I am on the inside.

 

And so, I chose complexity,

as opposed to fortifying my ego with

a simplistic stance, a superficial position.

 

Perhaps God is found by walking

in spirals, as we slowly circle inward 

– more deeply into who we are becoming.

 

I had to accept the unacceptable….

 

I hungered for redemption into wholeness.

 

 

Chapter 9

 

My Quest for the Wholeness of the Self:

the Birth of God in My Soul

 

“I Am What I Am”

 

Yahweh of the burning bush

incinerated all my beliefs and ideas

about who or what I thought God was.

 

I had an inner vision of mud bubbling within the darkness of my soul!

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Love and hate come from the same heart,

even though they most often arrive at different times.

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Holiness has nothing to do with perfection.

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Wholeness is now my spiritual aspiration.

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Through my compassionate consciousness,

the unholy facets of myself could be redeemed into something good.

 

I was evolving into a new self—indeed becoming what I am.

 

But ultimately, my return is to THE ONE

– the transcendent ONE—

beyond the Self.